Guess what?

Sweet darlin’ Dewey butterbuns:

Isn’t this here that same place you drug me to that time I stayed with you up north – when the cops came in an’ done took away my mai-tai? I gather they’re in some kind of trouble.

Dewey, you’n me got to talk. Remember them funny-color candies you gave me an’ told me to take one every day, even if I didn’t feel like it? Well, they didn’t work. They done tasted like horsepiss anyhow, so I jes’ ate Pez instead. An’ now I’m in a fambly way. I know it’s your’n cuz the hog-hands don’t do it the right way and Uncle Pa’s been on the whiskey agin. Where the heck are you anyway? You ain’t returned not one of my calls.

And now Aunt Ma sez I may have to go back to school so’s I can finish seventh grade an git a job at Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart, Dewey, and I ain’t never worked a day in my life and don’ plan on it nohow. So I’m settin’ to catch one of them Greyhound buses and leave Nome so I can come live with you way up there in Yankee territory. I need a little money, but I know that won’t be no problem with all yer makin’ playin’ with yer band an all. I think maybe $15,000 would do it, to start.

I cain’t wait to see you – and for you to see my belly.
– Kisses, smooches and more (much more, rowr!):

Yer cousin, Maylene.

P.S.: If’n you cain’t come up with the money, I guess I could always ask yer wife.